Sunday, May 29, 2011

Loco & Dissent Calendar!!

So for all you non-consumed-with-Texas-politics people, please calm down and know that these are not real bills. It's a quick recap of the session meant to entertain. Just smile and nod and wait for my next thrilling post. For the rest of you (what? no one left?), here is the Loco & Dissent Calendar for the 82nd Legislative Session!

Supplemental LOCO AND DISSENT Calendar
Sunday, May 29, 2011
12:01 a.m.

HR 1/11/11 Truitt
Recognizing me for literally setting the tone for the 82nd session with a rendition of the Star Spangled Banner that left onlookers wondering "Couldn't anyone have come up with a better idea for the people of Texas than this?" Providing for this to become a recurring mantra for nearly every issue before the Legislature this session.

HR 37 Freshmen Beck / Lyne / Nash / Scott / et al.
Recognizing the fact that no one ever learned our names and that most members couldn't identify us if we were on the back of a milk carton; providing that no one is obligated to learn our names until we’ve served three terms—it’s just easier that way.

HR 101 Straus
Alright! Supermajority! This is gonna be E-A-S-Y, like the Titanic setting the transatlantic record!

HR Rule 4, Section 32(c) Geren
Recognizing that hiring Hugh Brady as our new House Committee Coordinator might be the only way to keep him from killing so many of our bills.

HB 1451 Thompson
Relating to the licensing and regulation of commercial breeders who breed dogs to track down and maul David Simpson.

HB 2093 Thompson
Relating to R-E-S-P-E-C-T, finding out what it means to me, taking care, and TCB.

Amendment by Riddle
Relating to porn on the House floor. No, I didn't see it myself, but I have an anonymous retired FBI source who told me it was there.

HB 62-and-counting Thompson
Relating to yeah, that’s right, that’s the number of bills it felt like I passed on Local this session, and if you don’t like it, I will knock you the hell out.

******** UNFINISHED BUSINESS ********
SB 1 Ogden
Relating to, will somebody remind me why I decided to come back and do this again? What was I thinking?

SB 14 Fraser
Sp: Harless
Relating to me getting to sponsor this bill in the House because I am both smarter and better-looking than Fraser—but don’t tell him that, he still thinks he’s prettier.

SB 31 Seliger
Sp: Solomons
Relating to the composition of the districts for the election of members of the Texas Senate; providing the closest thing male legislators will ever get to screwing Wendy Davis.

  • Amendment 1 by Thompson / Riddle
    This is EXACTLY the kind of thing we're talking about. Pigs.

  • Amendment 2 by Alvarado / Dukes / Hernandez Luna
    Is anyone going to tell Riddle that Ms. T. was actually giving a pro-choice speech?
    Amendment 3 by Riddle

  • Amendment 4 by Alvarado / Dukes / Hernandez Luna
    Nothing. Never mind.

SB 354 Wentworth
Relating to the fact that everyone is worrying too much about this campus carry nonsense. The way we're set to de-fund Higher Ed, there won’t be any campuses to carry on anyway.

SB 407 Watson
Sp: Craddick
Relating to the creation of a sexting offense that will lower the penalty for any lewd offenses Watson’s teen-aged son and his friends might commit.

******** MAJOR STATE CALENDAR ********

HB 1(-800-HAIR-CLUB-FOR-MEN) Pitts
Relating to appropriations for my new poodle ’do, which seemed to surface at the most unusual times during session; thanking the Bosley Hair Restoration Clinic for all their hard work.

HB 12 Solomons
Relating to the enforcement of state and federal laws governing immigration by certain wings of certain political parties.

  • Amendment 1 by Aliseda
    Providing that my skin is brown, I look Hispanic, and I’m not afraid of House Bill 12 because I’ve never suffered from ethnic profiling, unnecessary detention, or harassment—well, not until I came to the Capitol and Roland Gutierrez profiled me as being too dumb to think for myself, detained me unnecessarily for 10 minutes at the front mic, and harassed me in Spanish like I didn't know what he was saying.

  • Amendment 2 by Gutierrez
    Relating to the use of the word "colleague." Clarifying that in Spanish, it actually means "a-hole," as you've probably figured out by the condescending way I use it.

  • Amendment 3 by Howard, Charlie
    Relating to asking for the exchange in Spanish between Aliseda and Gutierrez to be reduced to writing, translated, spread in the journal, and deported.

******** POSTPONED BUSINESS ********
HB 3790 Pitts
Relating to state fiscal matters. (POSTPONED.)

HB 15 Miller, Sid
Providing that a fetus must show a photo ID that matches its sonogram photo before a woman can abort it.

Amendment by Riddle
Providing an exception to the new sonogram law in the event the woman is pregnant with a terror baby.

******** GENERAL STATE CALENDAR ********

HB 0 Martinez Fischer
Relating to the number of bills I passed this session. Dammit, Dunnam! You could have at least told me that once I became the back-mic jockey all my bills would be DOA! Hell, BURNAM passed two bills this session!

HB 2 Burnam
Relating to the fact that I doubled the number of bills I passed last session. Three bills in two sessions after being shut out under Craddick! It’s almost like I’m a real legislator now.

HB 243 Craddick
Relating to the creation of an offense for certain improper uses of Alexander Graham Bell’s new-fangled harmonic telegraph.

HB 359 Allen
Relating to the use of corporal punishment in public schools.

Amendment by Miller, Sid
Striking all below the enacting clause so my school principals can continue striking all below their students’ belt line.

HB 716 Miller, Sid
Relating to the taking of certain feral hogs using a helicopter; but not black helicopters, or those from the One World Government that are always circling my home.

HB 1137 Darby / Gargamel / Asrael / Papa Smurf / et al.
Relating to the transmission of records regarding the over-the-smurf sales of smurfs, and a smurf's civil smurf for certain smurfs arising from the smurfing of smurfs.

Amendment by King, Phil
Striking from the record my conspicuous line of questioning about whether my wife was still going to be able to buy COPIOUS amounts of pseudoephedrine from drugstores … no reason, just asking, we've got allergies at our house …

******** POSTPONED BUSINESS ********
HB 3790 Pitts
Relating to state fiscal matters. Sorry, members, we're going to have to postpone just one more time. I promise, next time for sure though.

HB 1937 Simpson
Sp: Patrick
Relating to making "Come and Touch It" the new Gonzales Battle Flag; providing for something else in place of the cannon; and no, those are not wheels.

Amendment by Patrick
Amending SECTION 1 of the bill to strike all below the enacting clause and substitute my campaign filing for U.S. Senate.

HB 1984 Simpson
Relating to my inability to separate George Orwell's writings from real life. Providing for tin-foil hats to be worn by all gentlemen on the house floor. (No reason to protect the women; the New Testament doesn't allow them to vote).

HB 1994 Weber
Sp: Van de Putte
Relating to the creation of "john schools," including the Drew Nixon Memorial School for Dudes Just Looking for a Good Time; providing that this may be the only education bill we pass all session.

HB 2189 Elkins
Sp: Deuell
Relating to the regulation of "noodling" and … you're doing what with your hands? Putting them where?!? You boys need to get out more.

HB 2756 Lavender
Relating to the authority of a person who to openly carry a handgun providing that they have a Wyatt Earp-style moustache and acknowledge that they are making up for something they keep concealed because it's not as ample as what's in their holster.

Amendment 1 by Borris Miles’ Moustache
Wait just a damn second … you mean we’re not already allowed to pull a gun in public places and threaten people with it? I did it and got away with it.

Amendment 2 by King, Phil
AH! The 'stache. I miss my 'stache! Almost as much as I miss being an effective member.

HB 2940 King, Tracy
Relating to, who do you ask to carry a bill "relating to the form of death certificates and fetal death certificates"? Why, the member who most closely resembles an undertaker, of course.

HB 3422 Lozano
Relating to all the Anglo members now wondering if "Pepito" is Spanish for "Squiggy."

******** POSTPONED BUSINESS ********
HB 3790 Pitts
Relating to state fiscal matters. Just kidding. Postponed again.

HB 3736 Martinez, Armando (aka "The Pot")
Relating to me abusing the legislative process to stop the appointment of some dude I didn’t want appointed; providing me with an opportunity to publicly insult Pena, aka "The Kettle," about his weight.

HB 3864 Gooden
Relating to the creation of the I’m-Dating-A-Staffer District No. 1; providing authority to impose romantic bonds; granting a limited power of eminent domain over my heart.

Amendment by Gooden
By the way, PLEASE stop asking me to make copies and run errands from you from the floor. I'm a member, not a sergeant. No, seriously, it says so right here on my badge … GEREN! Hardy-har-har. Very funny. May I please have one that says "Member"?

HB 2nd Star to the Right Davis, Sarah
Relating to naming the howling pack of male legislators, staffers, and lobbyists constantly vying for my affections "The Lost Boys"; providing that I'll never grow up.

HB Jung Gum Hyung Korea 2005 Female Ninja Reading Clerk
Relating to not knowing what is worse: That male members are surfing for porn on the floor, or that they are surfing for YouTube videos of me doing some wicked things with a sword; providing that if some of you skeevy pervs come on to me, I will
decapitate you like I’m Uma Thurman from Kill Bill.

HB 162.400 MHz Male Reading Clerk
Relating to me reading bills like I’m the automated voice on the NOAA weather radio station; providing for me to read the following passage from the front mic on Sine Die: "Today's forecast for the Austin area: Sunny, high of 95 degrees. Overnight becoming mostly cloudy. Lows in the low 70s. Becoming increasingly cloudy overnight to early morning."

Amendment by Speak & Spell
I find his voice to be strangely attractive.

******** POSTPONED BUSINESS ********
HB 3790 Pitts
Members, I'd like to take up and consider … PSYCH. Postponed.

HB (Unintelligible) Gallego

HB Engine 68 Hardcastle
Relating to the ridiculous number of wildfire updates I've given on the house floor this session, when they could all be summed up like this: It's hot. Stuff is on fire. We need rain.

Amendment by Davis, Sarah
Striking all below the enacting clause and replacing it with me doing an impression of Hardcastle, because I do a better Hardcastle than Hardcastle.

HB How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days Weber
Relating to me debating an entire bill, nay, an entire CALENDAR, with my red Oakleys perched on my head like I’m Matthew McConaughey or sumthin'!

HB 2003 All Over Again Mallory Caraway
Relating to how I've been giving this a lot of thought, and I've come up with a brilliant plan to stop the Republicans: All the Democrats should just go to Oklahoma, and with only 101 members left, the Republicans won't be able to get a quorum! See how clever I am?

Amendment by House Democratic Caucus
Stupendous, Barbara! Hey, tell you what, you go first, and we'll meet you there. We may be a little late. Keep waiting for us until at least June.

******** POSTPONED BUSINESS ********
HB 3790 Pitts
Hey, Charlie Brown! Why don't you come kick this football. I promise I won't pull it away this time … oops! Postponed.

HB 24/7 Bonnen
Relating to how much time it feels like I spent in the Speaker's Chair this session as I belittle members and the process because I feel like a BMOC when I'm standing up here.

HB FOX 7 Veasey
Relating to me always being able to fall back on my second career as the voice of "Cleveland" from The Family Guy.

HB $17,431 Driver
Relating to my idea to fix this whole school finance thing: We all write personal checks to our school districts, then we bill it to our campaign accounts and pay ourselves back out of that, then fill out an expense report and get the state to reimburse us as well! Trust me, it will work!

******** POSTPONED BUSINESS ********
HB 3790 Pitts
Alright fine. You guys really want to take this up? Okay, here we go … except now it's SB 1811 and you have to re-file all your amendments. And guess what I'm going do with it!?! POSTPONED!!

HB c.1924 Jones, Delwin
Relating to, why won't my key work in my office? How come my ID won't let me into the parking garage? Who moved my huge trailer of junk? I'm so confused. Someone call Governor Connally. He knows me! He'll straighten this whole thing out.

HB She-looked-21-to-me Hamilton
Relating to the fact that you may need a photo ID to vote, but you don't need one to drink in my office on Tuesdays!


SCR 35 Wentworth
Sp: Miller, Doug
Designating western swing as the official State Music of Texas? Seriously? Hey, the 1940s called; it wants its music back.

HCR Seal Team Six Berman
Demanding to see Osama Bin Laden's long-form death certificate.

HCR 10th Amendment Creighton
Re-claiming sovereignty under the Tenth Amendment over all powers not otherwise enumerated to … what? What’s that you say? What do you mean, "An HCR is just a piece of paper"? Don’t you know I’m the chairman of a … what? Yes it is TOO a real committee! It says so right on my office nameplate outside my door!

HCR 42 Cain
Designating my poem about 42 as the official State Poem of Texas; providing an excuse for why I did nothing else all session. (What, do you think that thing wrote itself?)

HCR 5'0" Sheets
Naming Kenny Boy this year's recipient of the Jack Stick Memorial Stepping Stool; providing him mad props for beating us to the punch by scripting that exchange with Aliseda.

******** POSTPONED BUSINESS ********
UNTIL 1:00 P.M. ON TUESDAY, JULY 12, 2011
HB 82(1) Perry, Rick
Relating to me seein’ y’all again soon. Very soon. Until then … Adios, mofo’s!

©2011, The Loco and Dissent Preservation Board

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


I went to a meditation class tonight at my gym AND ACTUALLY MEDITATED.

Impressive, right? The curiously serene little teacher, Bob, was taken aback that I'd never meditated before, and apparently the rest of the class were frequent meditators, gauging their oh-so-wise glances in my direction. Settling down with a firm pillow and a blanket, I followed everyone else's lead and--

**sidenote - I've recently become overly conscious of how often I use "I" and "me" and "my" in daily speech after all the Obama vs. Dubya speech comparison email forwards.... but let me tell you it's just plain tough to tell you what I thought of meditation today without talking about... me. Don't judge. I digress.**

--sat cross legged (no one says "Indian-style" anymore) in the back of the room. Now boys and girls, we'll have forty minutes of silence, then talk about what we experienced." Wait, what? No soothing chimes? Bubbling brooks?? Buddhist incantations?!!? Gregorian chants??? Enya??!?! What am I getting myself into?!? I seriously considered bolting for the door once everyone's eyes were closed.

Bob gave me a quick intro that included the importance of "letting go" and "focusing on what is true and holy" and not creating high expectations for tangible results after my first time of meditating. Fine, Bob, I'll stay for you. A couple minutes into it, I thought, Awesome: I can pray! 40 minutes! Jesus! But... admit I quickly forgot approximately 34.72 seconds later. K, how about not beating myself up for thinking? That's a start....

Bottom line: I survived. My legs fell asleep twice, but it became easier to sit still and be still without my mind racing with at least 4 subjects in gear at all times... easier to just be.

Ya know, this is what I love so about traveling, about being outside my comfort zone. So I've never been to Europe, or the usual places people go when they want to relax.... my idea of relaxation is a perilous ride in the back of a taxi in a third world country where no one speaks English and I have no clue where I'm going. The relinquishing of control - knowing that there's only God and me and he has to pull through... dependence on God. That's what I love about traveling. Yeah.

Funny how after being still you tend to pick up on little things you missed. I'm sitting in my bedroom and am surrounded by the chirping of crickets outside my wall o' windows. The whirring of the fan, the stillness.... the no-Law-&-Order:-Special-Victims-Unit blaring from my TV....thanks, God. I needed a reminder on what it's like to be still.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Come to Texas, All Ye Who Are Terrorists, And We Shall Admit You

So in addition to our ridiculously porous southern border for which we receive paltry federal assistance (see here and here and here and....), we now passed a bill that would ban "offensive" pat downs in airports.

In other words, in case you are a terrorist, and don't feel like crossing the Rio Grande because the Texas heat isn't agreeing with you, you can always get on a plane and....

Geez people.

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." ~Benjamin Franklin